Last night, while cleaning up the kitchen and watching Rose run around asking everyone she could find to read her a book, I was reflecting on how much life has changed since she became the newest member of our family almost 18 months ago. It's amazing how quickly you forget what it is like to have a little one around once the youngest child is no longer little. After 7 years, those memories were all but gone, washed away in the rush of places to go and things to do.
I can honestly say that Rose has been the most difficult of our children to raise up to this point. There has been a lot of sacrifice, a lot of suffering... mental even more than physical. For whatever reason, she started life so frail, and had so much to overcome. Between the problems nursing, the problems finding a formula she would drink (one we still make by hand to this day), dealing with serious cholic, struggling to put weight on her little bones, irregular sleep patterns, and digestive problems that lead to a long stretch of months cleaning constant blow-out diapers, she has really put us to the test.
I wish I could say that what didn't kill me made me stronger, but if I am honest with myself, I have to admit that what didn't kill me has only increased my sorrow. Sorrow with my own weakness, my own selfishness, my inability to stay cool when the heat turns up, and mostly the day I literally screamed at God, saying, "You have to fix this because I can't do it anymore!"
As I looked down at her last night, though, looking as normal as we ever could have hoped, I could only smile and thank God that we somehow survived and that we have this precious little girl to remind us of what we have lost sight of in the years since Anthony was this age. Despite the struggles, the exhaustion, the frustration, the tears, the sense of betrayal as people spoke to us as if we didn't know what we were doing in trying to address her health issues, there has been one tiny blessing that has made it all worth it. I say tiny, but really this blessing is tiny in the same sense as the mustard seed in the Gospel parable. For, though, it is tiny, it has flourished into the greatest of blessings, the one that changes everything.
This blessing is one that I really don't think any one of us ever really experiences, much less appreciates, until we become parents. And even then, so many parents are too proud, too busy, or too emotionally wounded to experience it even then. But for those who are willing to be small enough and vulnerable enough, it is the blessing we have always longed for, in the depths of our hearts. That blessing is the joy of being loved unconditionally, without expectation... not for what we have or what we do, but merely for who we are... daddy or mommy.
Rose has been pretty attached to me from the moment she was old enough to know me from anyone else, and, from then on, she has loved me the way only a little child can. I have thought about it a lot in the past few months and reflected on how rare unconditional love is. As we get older, we forget. All of our loves become colored by the things we want from the other as we succumb to the human disease of selfishness. The society we live in breeds it like a cancer until we seem to lose the ability to love unconditionally. If we really look inside, many of us will have to admit that even in our relationships with spouses, parents, friends, and children, there is always some bit of expectation, as if love is a bargain. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. And then, if we reflect even more deeply, we can see that even our professed love of God smacks heavily of a barter system... You bless me, and I will love You.
I have had so many occasions to reflect on this over the past months, especially when Rose runs to me and just wants to be held... not because she wants me to read her a book, or fix her a bottle, but just because she loves me. It's in these moments when I get a glimpse of the joy that comes from the fulfillment of being loved and accepted for who I am. It's in these moments when I see how poorly I show that love to others... even God. It's in these moments when I wonder what a different world it would be if we could all be small enough, and vulnerable enough, to love everyone we meet so freely, so selflessly, without expectation, without judgment, and embrace them for who they are. Dare we even hope for such a wonderful world?
I try, and I fail, but I do try, and pray that I may even succeed in my better moments, to show this kind of love to my children and my wife... to simply love without expectation of anything in return. If I so rarely succeed with them, how much more so with those around me every day? But if only I can try, if we all can try a little harder, perhaps we will find that which will make this world that is falling apart around us worth saving and worth fighting for. May the God Who is Love grant us this grace. What a wonderful world it could be.
Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts
August 27, 2013
March 2, 2013
The Autumn Film giving away their music during March 2013
The Autumn Film is giving away their music for the month of March, along with the Hymns albums from another of their musical projects. If you haven't heard them before, you have no excuse now, so get to downloading. If you are familiar with them, I guess you are as excited as I am. :) I already own all but one of The Autumn Film albums that are free for download, so I am downloading that and the Page CXVI stuff, which I was not familiar with before this announcement. What I have heard so far is just as good as I'd hoped it would be. Here is the official announcement from the band, and below that, I have written a short piece explaining how I discovered them and what their music has meant to me:
"After seven years of crafting music as The Autumn Film and Page CXVI, Reid Phillips, Latifah Phillips, and Dann Stockton are giving away their catalog for the entire month of March. Eleven albums, seventy-four songs, two bands. Think of it as a Jubilee. Think of it as a sweet springtime gift. Think of it as something to share with everyone you know.
Starting Friday, March 1st, all of the albums from both bands will be available to download for free at http://pagecxvi.com/jubilee
Note: the giveaway is from SoundCloud and the site makes you wait 5 minutes between each album download, so start with "The Ship and the Sea," then "8 Track Tape," then get everything else while you listen to those. Also, while they are giving this away to build brand recognition, I'm sure they would appreciate some donations for all this stuff if you have some cash to spare.
---------
Over the last few years, I realized I had managed to lose the habit of keeping up with the new music scene. Around the same time, I was introduced to thesixtyone.com, which is a great site to discover new music, especially independent bands. For a year or more, I had a pretty good habit of using that site for at least a few hours per week. It was there that I first heard The Autumn Film. The song was "Mended," and, from the first line of lyrics, I was hooked. As the song was nearing the end, I clicked the band's name to go see their library of songs posted on thesixtyone. I ended up listening to all of them several times through before going to their site and buying "The Ship and the Sea." They had some free downloads on their site, so I got all those while I was there too.
I listened to them a lot over the course of the next few weeks, especially "The Ship and the Sea." As usually happens these days, though, I got behind on podcasts and stopped listening to music for a good long while. When I finally did find some time between podcasts, I found myself going back to The Autumn Film more than any of my other favorite music. Little did I know at the time just how important this band would be for me.
A while back, I had hit a rough patch emotionally, really struggling to get through some dark and trying times. Whenever this happens in my life, music is always my refuge. Well, this time, I had The Autumn Film waiting for me. The song "Mended" was a real lifeline for me. There was one day where I listened to that on repeat for at least half the day. And, as I sang along, the words were helping me deal with my struggles, but they also became my prayer at a time when I couldn't find the words to pray, begging God... "Don't give up on me now, this can all be mended." I really feel like that song saved me from giving in to despair at a time when I could barely see the light.
Then "8 Track Tape" and the Coldplay covers were released, and they quickly became household favorites. And again, they came to the rescue at another difficult time. When our youngest child, Rose, was born, she had a lot of issues with her stomach and digestion. She would scream a lot. Walking around lightly bouncing her helped, but never quite made her comfortable enough to settle down completely. This went on for months, and we were really getting to the end of our ropes. Finally, I decided to try playing some music to see if that would help. I tried various things I thought would be soothing, including some of the favorite albums from when the other kids were infants. They weren't working. Then I played "8 Track Tape." During the first track, it didn't seem to be having any more effect than the other music, but when "Love is an Avalanche" came on, Rose immediately started to calm down. By the end of the song, she had stopped crying. By the end of the track after that, she was almost asleep. I thought nothing of it at the time, but the next day, it worked again. The day after that, it worked again... and it kept working. Apparently, Rose's favorite song was "Love is an Avalanche." The funny part is that it is upbeat and fun, not soothing and calming. But it kept working, and it became a priceless jewel in our lives at the time, because we finally had a way to calm her down.
For these two songs, I am forever indebted to the members of The Autumn Film. I hope to be able to see them live someday soon so I can thank them in person. I have always appreciated music where you can feel the emotion being poured into it by the artists, and this music was clearly a work of love for them. I am grateful to have discovered it. It has been a great reminder to me of the power and value of good music... at a time in my life where it is easy to just get caught up in the emotionless world of technology work and forget that there is more to life than logic.
So, do yourself a favor and check them out. I can't promise you will love them as much as I do because every soul resonates to a different tune, but I do know that if you do end up loving them as much as I do, that will mean we are kindred spirits. :) They have earned a place in my very short list of musicians that I always keep tabs on to see what they are up to, when they have new music, and where they will be playing live... alongside Jars of Clay, Marc Cohn, and Mike Oldfield. Not bad company for an independent band.
And, Reid, Latifah, and Dann... if you happen to read this... thanks for baring your souls through music. You have a great gift, and you never know who will be touched by your work. Keep up the good work as long as you can, and may God bless all your endeavors.
Peace,
Todd Russell
March 2, 2013, 3:40am (yes, helping them spread the word meant enough to me to stay up this crazy late)
"After seven years of crafting music as The Autumn Film and Page CXVI, Reid Phillips, Latifah Phillips, and Dann Stockton are giving away their catalog for the entire month of March. Eleven albums, seventy-four songs, two bands. Think of it as a Jubilee. Think of it as a sweet springtime gift. Think of it as something to share with everyone you know.
Starting Friday, March 1st, all of the albums from both bands will be available to download for free at http://pagecxvi.com/jubilee
Note: the giveaway is from SoundCloud and the site makes you wait 5 minutes between each album download, so start with "The Ship and the Sea," then "8 Track Tape," then get everything else while you listen to those. Also, while they are giving this away to build brand recognition, I'm sure they would appreciate some donations for all this stuff if you have some cash to spare.
---------
Over the last few years, I realized I had managed to lose the habit of keeping up with the new music scene. Around the same time, I was introduced to thesixtyone.com, which is a great site to discover new music, especially independent bands. For a year or more, I had a pretty good habit of using that site for at least a few hours per week. It was there that I first heard The Autumn Film. The song was "Mended," and, from the first line of lyrics, I was hooked. As the song was nearing the end, I clicked the band's name to go see their library of songs posted on thesixtyone. I ended up listening to all of them several times through before going to their site and buying "The Ship and the Sea." They had some free downloads on their site, so I got all those while I was there too.
I listened to them a lot over the course of the next few weeks, especially "The Ship and the Sea." As usually happens these days, though, I got behind on podcasts and stopped listening to music for a good long while. When I finally did find some time between podcasts, I found myself going back to The Autumn Film more than any of my other favorite music. Little did I know at the time just how important this band would be for me.
A while back, I had hit a rough patch emotionally, really struggling to get through some dark and trying times. Whenever this happens in my life, music is always my refuge. Well, this time, I had The Autumn Film waiting for me. The song "Mended" was a real lifeline for me. There was one day where I listened to that on repeat for at least half the day. And, as I sang along, the words were helping me deal with my struggles, but they also became my prayer at a time when I couldn't find the words to pray, begging God... "Don't give up on me now, this can all be mended." I really feel like that song saved me from giving in to despair at a time when I could barely see the light.
Then "8 Track Tape" and the Coldplay covers were released, and they quickly became household favorites. And again, they came to the rescue at another difficult time. When our youngest child, Rose, was born, she had a lot of issues with her stomach and digestion. She would scream a lot. Walking around lightly bouncing her helped, but never quite made her comfortable enough to settle down completely. This went on for months, and we were really getting to the end of our ropes. Finally, I decided to try playing some music to see if that would help. I tried various things I thought would be soothing, including some of the favorite albums from when the other kids were infants. They weren't working. Then I played "8 Track Tape." During the first track, it didn't seem to be having any more effect than the other music, but when "Love is an Avalanche" came on, Rose immediately started to calm down. By the end of the song, she had stopped crying. By the end of the track after that, she was almost asleep. I thought nothing of it at the time, but the next day, it worked again. The day after that, it worked again... and it kept working. Apparently, Rose's favorite song was "Love is an Avalanche." The funny part is that it is upbeat and fun, not soothing and calming. But it kept working, and it became a priceless jewel in our lives at the time, because we finally had a way to calm her down.
For these two songs, I am forever indebted to the members of The Autumn Film. I hope to be able to see them live someday soon so I can thank them in person. I have always appreciated music where you can feel the emotion being poured into it by the artists, and this music was clearly a work of love for them. I am grateful to have discovered it. It has been a great reminder to me of the power and value of good music... at a time in my life where it is easy to just get caught up in the emotionless world of technology work and forget that there is more to life than logic.
So, do yourself a favor and check them out. I can't promise you will love them as much as I do because every soul resonates to a different tune, but I do know that if you do end up loving them as much as I do, that will mean we are kindred spirits. :) They have earned a place in my very short list of musicians that I always keep tabs on to see what they are up to, when they have new music, and where they will be playing live... alongside Jars of Clay, Marc Cohn, and Mike Oldfield. Not bad company for an independent band.
And, Reid, Latifah, and Dann... if you happen to read this... thanks for baring your souls through music. You have a great gift, and you never know who will be touched by your work. Keep up the good work as long as you can, and may God bless all your endeavors.
Peace,
Todd Russell
March 2, 2013, 3:40am (yes, helping them spread the word meant enough to me to stay up this crazy late)
February 5, 2013
Letter to the Last of Humanity
I had this idea swirl around in my head when I was sick with a flu and on the verge of hallucination thanks to a really high fever.
-------
To the children who were taken into the silver ships,
Do you remember who you are? Do you remember your parents? You must ask yourself these questions and others like it. What have they done to you? Perhaps nothing, but are you sure? While you may remember everything that happened before you entered the ships, did they let you see what was happening down here since then? I don't know what they have told you, but, rest assured, they are not your friends. Please read this and know the truth.
You may remember that on September 19, 2028, people everywhere started coming down with one of the worst flu viruses anyone had ever seen. At the time, it just seemed like an odd epidemic, but many of us finally figured out the cause within a few days after you were taken up.
I remember waking up that morning and noticing the sky was covered in a criss-cross pattern of odd looking clouds. I remember laughing to myself that the chemtrail believers would be shouting from the rooftops over this one. Turns out they weren't so crazy after all. Later analysis proved that the virus was no naturally occurring strain, but had clearly been engineered to affect only people who had not received the AIDS vaccine. Since that vaccine had only been introduced in 2015, and only given to people below the age of 7, that meant only those older than 20, and those who had refrained from taking the vaccine, could catch the virus. And they all did because it had been sprayed into the sky across the entire globe.
As you may remember, this was not your ordinary flu sickness. My own fever ran at around 104 degress for several days, and left me so weak I could barely make my way out of bed for necessities for over a week. It was the third day, September 22, when all adults of an age to care were in bed, too sick to respond, that the silver ships appeared in the skies from we knew not where. When the public broadcasts went out inviting anyone not sick to enter the ships, no one could fight back or try to stop you. My own son walked out on me as I begged him not to fall for the lies they were promising of a new world that would be cleansed of the ancient problems of man. I was too weak to stop him, as were many other parents whose children decided to go.
You too believed them. Did they give you what they promised? Did they show you the misery we have suffered here below while you were presumably taken care of in their ships? Whatever they have told you, they are not good, nor should they be trusted.
After you were gone, they began an active campaign to kill off the remaining people here below. They have not made it quick and painless, either, but have made it a study in human misery. Their first act was to use some kind of electromagnetic pulse weaponry to knock out the electrical grid. Whatever it was affected circuitry in all electronics to the point that we haven't even been able to power them by other means like solar power or generators. We were put back into the middle ages over night, and none of the efforts of the past two years have produced any solutions to rebuild any of it.
Without the technology, most of the farming and livestocking quickly fell apart. People have only recently begun to figure out the basics of farming once again, but it is too little, too late now. With the food shortages, the world has fallen into absolute chaos. People are killing each other to take what they have, so those who do find a way to support themselves just become victims of those who can't. There are gangs patrolling their areas to take whatever they can get, including other people. Even cannibalism has become pretty common. It really is hell on earth down here.
And now, in the last few days, there has been another increase in the artificial clouds in the sky. People are getting sick again, but this time they are losing their minds and turning into wild beasts, crawling around naked on all fours, growling and screaming, attacking anyone they come across. It seems as if your "saviors" are trying to finish off those who survived the first wave of misery by destroying what is left of humanity on earth.
So, ask yourselves, who are these "saviors" who have promised you a new world? Many here have speculated. There is a large number of people who have believed that the ships are from another world, and that you are with an alien race. Then there are those of us who believe that this was organized by a group of global elitists who wanted to remake humanity into what they considered a "pure" race that would create a utopia when all the rest of humanity was gone.
Either way, I truly believe this marks the end of time, before the King of Glory returns to recreate the universe into the only utopia that every truly can be. If you are in those ships for three-and-a-half years before they bring you back, then you should believe my words and find a copy of the Bible to read the truth so you can prepare for Him Who is coming.
Or are you free to believe any more? Have they so brainwashed you that you will never question them and merely mock my words? In the Bible, Jesus asked, "When the Son of Man returns, will He find faith on earth?" Well, will He? Surely, you are the last of humanity, and your time will be short before He returns. Just when you think that all the world is at peace and that you have created the perfect world for a purified humanity, you will face the Eternal Judge to answer for what has been done to His people.
So, please, whoever, whatever they claim to be, do not believe them. Ask questions and find answers. Read the Bible, especially the last book, Revelation, to see if you will recognize what is happening. It is not too late for you to change and be brought into the true utopia, which your heart was really longing for when you heard the empty deceptions of these pawns of evil.
I leave you with these last words, hoping you will somehow find them. All the people in this neighborhood around me are succumbing to the madness, so I assume it will take me soon... and I will not be here to give it to you myself. I leave it here in this library in hopes that you will save such places as you attempt to rebuild society for the short time you have left. Here next to this letter, I have gathered several versions of the Bible I have referred to, in several different languages, as well as a selection of other books which speak of the Truth as it has been revealed to man through Jesus Christ. Read them with an open heart. I pray that you will hear His voice when doing so.
Love in Christ,
One of the meek who shall inherit the earth
December 18, 2012
Not the end of a galaxy far, far away...
With the recent transfer of Lucasfilm and all its properties to Disney, there has been a lot of hand-wringing over whether or not Disney will manage to destroy everything we love about Star Wars. While I was initially hesitant about the deal myself, further reflection has assured me that everything will be okay.
First off, let's look at how Disney handled their other high-profile acquisition. Once they got rid of Michael Eisner, the first good thing they did was to buy Pixar. The new management had the wisdom to mostly let Pixar do its thing without too much interference and it has paid off in spades. Pixar has flourished since then, producing their best work. The fear of Disney interference has been laid to rest by now and Pixar's creative freedom continues unrestrained. Being a Disney subsidiary has really allowed Pixar to be Pixar, without having to worry about maximizing profit off every movie just to survive financially.
It is easy to extrapolate a similar fate for Lucasfilm as a Disney subsidiary. It seems safe to assume that Disney will let them do what they do without sabotaging the creative efforts of the story writers and designers. Granted, we may see some silly instances of Mickey Mouse in a Jedi outfit from time to time, but is that really so much worse than Jar Jar Binks anyway?
Which brings me to my second point. As Star Wars fans, we may fear outside intervention in the creative process, but perhaps it wouldn't be so bad after all. I mean, could Disney really do anything more stupid than some of Lucas' worst missteps? Episodes I through III are almost universally reviled among the most die-hard Star Wars nerds. Not only because of Jar Jar Binks, but also because of terrible script writing, amateur actors, and noticeable plot discontinuity. The only reason we tolerate those 3 prequels is because they managed to stay true to what we all really love about the Star Wars Galaxy in the first place... brilliant design of characters, costumes, alien races, technology, and worlds. I think I speak for many other Star Wars nerds when I say that we tolerate Lucas because the visual design of Star Wars is so darn cool. It really is some of the best designed eye candy in the science fiction world.
Then there are the other major Lucas disasters. This is the man who signed off on the Star Wars Holiday Special. Seriously, think about that for a moment. He allowed Bea freaking Arthur to play the part of the Mos Eisley Cantina barmaid and sing a musical number to all the scary patrons about it being closing time. Harvey Corman playing a chef in a show watched by Chewbacca's wife? I wish I was making this up.
Or what about his refusal to cooperate with fans and writers who wanted to bring Boba Fett back from the Sarlacc Pit, while later allowing the Clone Wars Series writers to bring back Darth Maul? So, a guy in body armor, with a flame thrower, rocket launcher, and other assorted tools could never have managed to escape from the throat of the Sarlacc monster by blasting his way out, but Darth Maul could be equipped with a pair of robotic legs despite having been cut in half across his vital organs?
I mean it... the fact that someone, anyone, other than Lucas will be taking creative control of the Star Wars Galaxy may just be the best thing that ever happened to Star Wars fans. It really couldn't be much worse than what we have endured... could it?
And in the grand scheme of things, many of us know that the movies, while good on some levels, pale in comparison to many of the Star Wars video games that we have had over the years, and we will probably get plenty more of those with Disney in control. I hear that the same is true for the books, although I have never made the time to read any of them myself (and I guess that makes me a 75% Star Wars nerd rather than a 100% Star Wars nerd). There are already so many good building blocks in place for future stories that there will always be something for the true fans, even if Disney did manage to make a mess of any future movies.
So, calm down Star Wars fans, I think this is going to work out just fine. And Disney, if you are listening, here is a simple checklist of what you can do to keep the fans happy and engaged.
- Let the Lucasfilm designers continue to do their jobs creating amazing costumes and creatures.
- Continue to allow Star Wars games to be produced by any game studio that has a good idea and wants to use the Star Wars intellectual property.
- Never consult Lucas on future scripts.
- Keep Disney characters out of the Star Wars Galaxy.
- Let Hasbro keep churning out those awesome toys.
There, that's not hard, is it? Just stay out of the way and keep throwing money at Lucasfilm and we the fans will keep throwing money at you. We will love you for it.
P.S. Now that Lucas won't be around to mess it up, can you let Boba Fett out of that Sarlacc Pit?
June 19, 2011
The Diamond Mako - A love story in five acts
Act 1: Love at first sight
In thinking about my answer to "What are your favorite gadgets on your gdgt lists and why?", I had so many thoughts about the device at the top of my list that I decided to make it a full-blown blog post. If I seem to ramble, I apologize in advance, but this is meant to be an ode to the one device that I loved more than a person should ever love inanimate objects. (feel free to skip to the "Epilogue" if you want a short summary)
I remember the day I first saw it. I was on my way out of Circuit City and made my customary pass by the last row of the computer section, where they kept the hot items to make them more visible. When I got to the last item, I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn't believe my eyes... a folding device, with a full keyboard, that would fit in a pocket. I slowly moved up to it, glancing at the product placard on the way... Diamond Mako. How had I not heard of this before? I immediately started operating the touch screen and found the interface to be completely obvious and familiar. I opened the word processor and was delighted to find that it was a fairly competent piece of software. I started testing out the keyboard and found that I could type perfectly well in the word processor with it... not as fast as a real keyboard, but fast enough to do real writing, especially after a little practice.
This was like a revelation. I had been trying to finish my book about my journey to Ireland for years, and found that I could never stay on task when trying to write at home. Much like in college, I did my best writing at a coffee shop, away from the distractions of my daily life. I immediately began to have visions of finishing my book in the local coffee shop and beginning my next project. I couldn't justify the cost of a laptop at this point and none of the PDA type devices I had looked at before really intrigued me. I needed something mobile desperately, though.
The only problem was the cost... $299.99 is nothing to sneeze at even now, and it felt like a lot more back in 2001. Yes, it was a lot cheaper than a laptop, but still expensive in relation to my budget at the time. I left the store without it, of course, but I couldn't stop thinking about the possibilities for the next several days. After discussing it with my wife, I started saving money and managed to scrape enough together after a few weeks. While I was saving, though, I started doing some research online and discovered that the Diamond Mako was an American repackaging of the Psion Revo Plus. I started bookmarking pages of programs I planned to install when I purchased it. Of course, this was building up quite a bit of anticipation in me and I was hoping I would not be disappointed when I finally got it home.
Phase 2: To know the Mako is to love the Mako
The day finally arrived and I rushed home with my prize. I read through the manual while it was charging and installed the sync software on my PC, checking out the options to convert documents from the device over to Word format on the PC. I was stoked.
When the charging was through, I sat down and started writing the next section of my book. This was going to work. I then started entering my calendar into the calendar program on the Mako and setting alarms. I was thrilled to discover that the alarm would ring indefinitely until you told it to stop, even if it killed the battery in the process. I needed this to keep me on task. Over the course of the next few months, the calendar feature proved itself to be an even more valuable feature to me than the word processor, as this was a very busy and stressful time in my life. The calendar program worked exactly the way I think and made the Mako worth its weight in gold to me. I have never found another calendar program that I like as much or that is as useful to me. Everything I have used since feels like a clunky collection of half-solutions to produce the same results I got in one simple place on my Mako.
Next, I found myself loading up text files of things on my reading list, which allowed me to start getting reading done that I had been putting off. Being able to pull the Mako out of my pocket any time I had 10 minutes to spare and pick up where I left off was like adding another hour to my day. Granted, we have better dedicated reader programs now than we did then, but it worked, and it changed my vision of what a portable device should be.
The pinnacle of my Mako days was when I finished the first draft of my book, at long long last, while riding on a train returning home from Christmas vacation up north. The Mako had accomplished its goal admirably and helped me to complete my long-procrastinated work. I could have kissed it that day.
Act 3: Infidelity
About this time, another thing was happening in my tech world. I had discovered the Mac by using one at work and began longing for an end to the misery of dealing with Windows 98. I had reached a point where I hated Windows and couldn't wait for the day I shut that machine down one last time. Through some video work I was able to do, I finally managed to buy my first Mac. All was well with the world... almost. Only after the Mac was in my possession did I bother to look for Mac options for syncing up my Mako. It was not pretty. There were two Java-based projects I found, but neither was complete or bug-free, and I only managed to get one of the options to even pretend to work. This was a huge blow to morale. It meant that I had to fire up my Windows machine, the one I wanted to get rid of, every time I needed to sync my Mako or move files on or off.
This got to be irritating enough that I started looking for Mako replacements that would work with the Mac. At the time, that meant Palm Pilots. That was all that would work very well. The more I looked at Palm devices and portable keyboards, the more I tried to convince myself that they would be better in the long run. Deep down, though, I felt that I couldn't really forsake my beloved Mako... or could I?
Then fate happened. My Mako developed the dreaded rechargeable battery death problem. It would no longer charge properly and I couldn't get it to run on battery. I was sad, but, at the same time, I was hopeful that my extended warranty might get me a new Palm device since the Mako had been discontinued for a while. After sending it off and waiting for weeks, I finally got the call from the warranty company that I would receive a full credit of the original purchase price since they could not fix it. Now that the deal was done, I got excited about a new Mac-friendly device and used my credit to buy a Palm m125.
Act 4: Regret
It didn't take long for the excitement to fade. In fact, I felt sick to my stomach within minutes of seeing the ridiculous Palm Desktop sync software at work. How much more convoluted could they have made it if they tried? The Palm's address book and calendar felt like pathetic Fisher Price "My First PDA" garbage after using the Psion software. Not having a physical keyboard began to grate on me within days. And writing while on the go? Forget about it. The only thing this was very good at was keeping a shopping list. I felt duped, then angry, then depressed.
I very quickly began to regret my decision to send in my Mako. I wished that I had kept it and tried to find a way to replace the battery myself. It took me a few weeks to get over this feeling and just accept my fate. I made due with the Palm as best as I could, but I never liked it.
Act 5: Nostalgia
To this day, I have never found a portable device that I have loved the way I loved that Mako. Losing my Mako sent me on a perpetual quest, like seeking the Holy Grail, that I am still longing to complete. I have since tried the Sharp Zaurus 5500SL, which I liked in many ways, the Psion Series 5, which couldn't compete in terms of pocketability and reliability due to the AA batteries, and several modern phones including the original iPhone, the Nokia e71x, the Samsung Moment, and the HTC EVO. None have inspired in me the love and appreciation I had for the Mako.
Granted, my attempt to use a Psion Series 5 after years away from the Psion software showed me that we had come a long way since the days of the Mako in terms of software, but it did not quench my nostalgia completely. The Mako had the perfect form factor for the tasks I used it for, and none of my devices since have given me such a perfect balance of size, shape, weight, battery life, and keyboard. I have been watching the gadget world closely for a modern Revo-inspired device, but every close contender falls short in one way or another. So my nostalgia remains, possibly to never be satisfied. Perhaps one day this nostalgia will inspire me to give up the search and take matters into my own hands by learning enough electrical engineering to build a replacement myself. Rest assured, though, any company that builds a device that can truly replace the Mako in my heart will be the recipient of my undying affection.
Epilogue
I think the reason the Psion Revo / Revo Plus / Diamond Mako was such a winner is that it was designed and built by a company who saw a problem and wanted to provide a solid solution, believing they would be rewarded by those who would buy it, love it, and promote it. As we know, those kinds of aspirations don't always work out in the marketplace. The best products often fail to be the winners in their categories, losing to the "good enough" alternatives.
The Mako really felt like it was designed to solve a problem, and, for me, it did so perfectly, inspiring the most devoted affection I have ever held towards a gadget. Most modern devices feel like they are designed less to be a solution to specific problems, and more like they are built to be just good enough and flashy enough to get people to buy them so the company responsible can use the device as an ad platform, content sales mechanism, or multimedia ecosystem lock-in. Some might argue that I am too cynical in this opinion, but I would only challenge them to show me some examples of modern portable gadgets that really do address specific, and possibly niche, sets of needs. Sharp may be the only company with any shred of that attitude left, but they seem to have lost their will to soldier on. I thought I had found my answer in their IS01, but it hasn't gotten any attention and seems to be too under-powered to really handle the demands that Android will make of the hardware going forward. If I find one cheap enough, I may give it a shot, but its cost in comparison to other modern gadgets that fill similar needs makes it hard to justify.
If any of you Psion hardware designers are out there and listening, please know that there are still those of us who would love a modern Revo running Android, with a small high-res screen. If you can wade through the present climate of ecosystem lock-in that threatens to kill problem-solving innovation, it's not too late to come out of retirement and fill that Revo-sized hole in our hearts.
Todd Russell
In thinking about my answer to "What are your favorite gadgets on your gdgt lists and why?", I had so many thoughts about the device at the top of my list that I decided to make it a full-blown blog post. If I seem to ramble, I apologize in advance, but this is meant to be an ode to the one device that I loved more than a person should ever love inanimate objects. (feel free to skip to the "Epilogue" if you want a short summary)
I remember the day I first saw it. I was on my way out of Circuit City and made my customary pass by the last row of the computer section, where they kept the hot items to make them more visible. When I got to the last item, I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn't believe my eyes... a folding device, with a full keyboard, that would fit in a pocket. I slowly moved up to it, glancing at the product placard on the way... Diamond Mako. How had I not heard of this before? I immediately started operating the touch screen and found the interface to be completely obvious and familiar. I opened the word processor and was delighted to find that it was a fairly competent piece of software. I started testing out the keyboard and found that I could type perfectly well in the word processor with it... not as fast as a real keyboard, but fast enough to do real writing, especially after a little practice.
This was like a revelation. I had been trying to finish my book about my journey to Ireland for years, and found that I could never stay on task when trying to write at home. Much like in college, I did my best writing at a coffee shop, away from the distractions of my daily life. I immediately began to have visions of finishing my book in the local coffee shop and beginning my next project. I couldn't justify the cost of a laptop at this point and none of the PDA type devices I had looked at before really intrigued me. I needed something mobile desperately, though.
The only problem was the cost... $299.99 is nothing to sneeze at even now, and it felt like a lot more back in 2001. Yes, it was a lot cheaper than a laptop, but still expensive in relation to my budget at the time. I left the store without it, of course, but I couldn't stop thinking about the possibilities for the next several days. After discussing it with my wife, I started saving money and managed to scrape enough together after a few weeks. While I was saving, though, I started doing some research online and discovered that the Diamond Mako was an American repackaging of the Psion Revo Plus. I started bookmarking pages of programs I planned to install when I purchased it. Of course, this was building up quite a bit of anticipation in me and I was hoping I would not be disappointed when I finally got it home.
Phase 2: To know the Mako is to love the Mako
The day finally arrived and I rushed home with my prize. I read through the manual while it was charging and installed the sync software on my PC, checking out the options to convert documents from the device over to Word format on the PC. I was stoked.
When the charging was through, I sat down and started writing the next section of my book. This was going to work. I then started entering my calendar into the calendar program on the Mako and setting alarms. I was thrilled to discover that the alarm would ring indefinitely until you told it to stop, even if it killed the battery in the process. I needed this to keep me on task. Over the course of the next few months, the calendar feature proved itself to be an even more valuable feature to me than the word processor, as this was a very busy and stressful time in my life. The calendar program worked exactly the way I think and made the Mako worth its weight in gold to me. I have never found another calendar program that I like as much or that is as useful to me. Everything I have used since feels like a clunky collection of half-solutions to produce the same results I got in one simple place on my Mako.
Next, I found myself loading up text files of things on my reading list, which allowed me to start getting reading done that I had been putting off. Being able to pull the Mako out of my pocket any time I had 10 minutes to spare and pick up where I left off was like adding another hour to my day. Granted, we have better dedicated reader programs now than we did then, but it worked, and it changed my vision of what a portable device should be.
The pinnacle of my Mako days was when I finished the first draft of my book, at long long last, while riding on a train returning home from Christmas vacation up north. The Mako had accomplished its goal admirably and helped me to complete my long-procrastinated work. I could have kissed it that day.
Act 3: Infidelity
About this time, another thing was happening in my tech world. I had discovered the Mac by using one at work and began longing for an end to the misery of dealing with Windows 98. I had reached a point where I hated Windows and couldn't wait for the day I shut that machine down one last time. Through some video work I was able to do, I finally managed to buy my first Mac. All was well with the world... almost. Only after the Mac was in my possession did I bother to look for Mac options for syncing up my Mako. It was not pretty. There were two Java-based projects I found, but neither was complete or bug-free, and I only managed to get one of the options to even pretend to work. This was a huge blow to morale. It meant that I had to fire up my Windows machine, the one I wanted to get rid of, every time I needed to sync my Mako or move files on or off.
This got to be irritating enough that I started looking for Mako replacements that would work with the Mac. At the time, that meant Palm Pilots. That was all that would work very well. The more I looked at Palm devices and portable keyboards, the more I tried to convince myself that they would be better in the long run. Deep down, though, I felt that I couldn't really forsake my beloved Mako... or could I?
Then fate happened. My Mako developed the dreaded rechargeable battery death problem. It would no longer charge properly and I couldn't get it to run on battery. I was sad, but, at the same time, I was hopeful that my extended warranty might get me a new Palm device since the Mako had been discontinued for a while. After sending it off and waiting for weeks, I finally got the call from the warranty company that I would receive a full credit of the original purchase price since they could not fix it. Now that the deal was done, I got excited about a new Mac-friendly device and used my credit to buy a Palm m125.
Act 4: Regret
It didn't take long for the excitement to fade. In fact, I felt sick to my stomach within minutes of seeing the ridiculous Palm Desktop sync software at work. How much more convoluted could they have made it if they tried? The Palm's address book and calendar felt like pathetic Fisher Price "My First PDA" garbage after using the Psion software. Not having a physical keyboard began to grate on me within days. And writing while on the go? Forget about it. The only thing this was very good at was keeping a shopping list. I felt duped, then angry, then depressed.
I very quickly began to regret my decision to send in my Mako. I wished that I had kept it and tried to find a way to replace the battery myself. It took me a few weeks to get over this feeling and just accept my fate. I made due with the Palm as best as I could, but I never liked it.
Act 5: Nostalgia
To this day, I have never found a portable device that I have loved the way I loved that Mako. Losing my Mako sent me on a perpetual quest, like seeking the Holy Grail, that I am still longing to complete. I have since tried the Sharp Zaurus 5500SL, which I liked in many ways, the Psion Series 5, which couldn't compete in terms of pocketability and reliability due to the AA batteries, and several modern phones including the original iPhone, the Nokia e71x, the Samsung Moment, and the HTC EVO. None have inspired in me the love and appreciation I had for the Mako.
Granted, my attempt to use a Psion Series 5 after years away from the Psion software showed me that we had come a long way since the days of the Mako in terms of software, but it did not quench my nostalgia completely. The Mako had the perfect form factor for the tasks I used it for, and none of my devices since have given me such a perfect balance of size, shape, weight, battery life, and keyboard. I have been watching the gadget world closely for a modern Revo-inspired device, but every close contender falls short in one way or another. So my nostalgia remains, possibly to never be satisfied. Perhaps one day this nostalgia will inspire me to give up the search and take matters into my own hands by learning enough electrical engineering to build a replacement myself. Rest assured, though, any company that builds a device that can truly replace the Mako in my heart will be the recipient of my undying affection.
Epilogue
I think the reason the Psion Revo / Revo Plus / Diamond Mako was such a winner is that it was designed and built by a company who saw a problem and wanted to provide a solid solution, believing they would be rewarded by those who would buy it, love it, and promote it. As we know, those kinds of aspirations don't always work out in the marketplace. The best products often fail to be the winners in their categories, losing to the "good enough" alternatives.
The Mako really felt like it was designed to solve a problem, and, for me, it did so perfectly, inspiring the most devoted affection I have ever held towards a gadget. Most modern devices feel like they are designed less to be a solution to specific problems, and more like they are built to be just good enough and flashy enough to get people to buy them so the company responsible can use the device as an ad platform, content sales mechanism, or multimedia ecosystem lock-in. Some might argue that I am too cynical in this opinion, but I would only challenge them to show me some examples of modern portable gadgets that really do address specific, and possibly niche, sets of needs. Sharp may be the only company with any shred of that attitude left, but they seem to have lost their will to soldier on. I thought I had found my answer in their IS01, but it hasn't gotten any attention and seems to be too under-powered to really handle the demands that Android will make of the hardware going forward. If I find one cheap enough, I may give it a shot, but its cost in comparison to other modern gadgets that fill similar needs makes it hard to justify.
If any of you Psion hardware designers are out there and listening, please know that there are still those of us who would love a modern Revo running Android, with a small high-res screen. If you can wade through the present climate of ecosystem lock-in that threatens to kill problem-solving innovation, it's not too late to come out of retirement and fill that Revo-sized hole in our hearts.
Todd Russell
June 16, 2011
May 23, 2011
Why I hate Android...
Anyone who talks tech with me should be scratching their heads at the title of this post. "Hates Android? I thought he was an Android fanboy?" Actually, yes, I am... which is why I am hating Android. No, I'm not bipolar, but I can see how you might need this statement clarified.
I absolutely adore Android. I have been using computers and gadgets since the 80s and have experience with a wide variety of operating systems. Android is, by far, my favorite "small form factor" operating system from the list of those I have used regularly. I even like it better than some of the desktop operating systems I have used. I'm even crazy enough to have tried running it on my netbook.
The problem comes in when that operating system I love gets put into use by the current cabal of hardware manufacturers. If only I could get a pure, unedited version of Android on hardware that is nice and actually works as expected, I would never be able to write such an opening title.
My first Android device was the Samsung Moment. It was running Android 1.6. It was a pure Android, with no custom modifications by Samsung. I adored this phone. The keyboard was great, and Android lived up to almost all my expectations. When Android 2.1 arrived on it, I loved it even more... Well, mostly.
You see, there was this one "small" issue. I call it small because Samsung has never been bothered to treat it as anything more than that. Unfortunately, for those of us who live in areas with meager signal strength, it was rage-inducing. Whenever the phone would switch from a 3G signal to a 1X signal then back to 3G, it would cause the cell radio to lock up. No calls, no data, and no way to fix it but a reboot... Which would take at least 2 minutes. In our area, this would happen almost every time you entered a large aluminum-roofed structure, a.k.a. a store.
The day I stood in Office Depot rebooting my phone 3 times in a row before I could make a call was the day I gave up on this phone that I otherwise loved.
I suffered with this until I could get an EVO, which took a while due to the supply shortage. Within days, I was almost willing to go back to the Moment. You see, HTC, in their infinite wisdom, decided they could make a better interface than Google, which they call "Sense". After having spent almost a year using a stock Android install, I hated every change HTC had made. The music player was downright ugly and looked like something designed by a honky disco king. I despised it. Unfortunately, you can't just download Google's stock music player. I finally found a slightly modified version of the stock player in the Marketplace, which relieved most of this annoyance.
Then there was the browser. Try as I might, I could not figure out how to make the thing stop running in fullscreen mode. I must have gone through the settings 10 times desperately looking for it. I finally accepted defeat and downloaded Dolphin Browser, which was good enough, but sometimes just didn't feel as snappy. While the gestures can be useful, there were enough accidental triggers of features in my daily usage that I could just manage to tolerate using it, but never liked it.
Then there was the modified calendar app. I liked the clean look of the stock one, but this was ugly in the same ways the music player was. Worst of all, though, were the bugs. I experienced constant syncing problems with it. I would add an event to my Google Calendar at work in my browser and set a reminder, only to get angry hours later when I realized I had forgotten something important because the phone never picked up the new item. It would go the other way, as well. Sometimes, I'd add something from my phone and it would never make its way up to Google. Other times, I would add an event from my phone, then, when I realized I had missed the event I would check to see that the event had mysteriously vanished from the calendar on the phone altogether. It was so bad that I stopped using the calendar app and started using the browser version of the Calendar site, with reminders being sent to me from Google by SMS.
Then there were issues with the wifi radio that would cause connections to mysteriously stop working properly even though the phone still indicated that it had a working wifi connection. I would often have to turn wifi off then back on to get it working again. It would also cause weird issues with downloaded audio files (whether through the browser or Google Listen) where the audio files would have missing bits throughout them. It was as if wireless packets had been dropped and the OS did not realize it, and just treated the file as if it had been fully downloaded. I never experienced issues like this on the Moment.
After about 9 months of this pain, I decided to root the EVO and put CyanogenMod7 Beta on it. I loved Android 2.3 and the additional abilities that came with having a rooted phone, but there were so many bugs that I decided to go back to version 6 until the final release of 7, which I am on now. Throughout all this, I have continued to experience the wifi radio problem, though not always, just on certain update versions. So, even Cyanogen can't seem to save me from HTC's radio engineers.
I have looked at the other Android options on Sprint, but they haven't been much better. At first, I had thought about switching to the Samsung Epic, until I read about all the GPS problems with it. Then I thought about the successor to the Moment, but the keyboard on it was terrible, the hardware was actually lower specs than the Moment, and... big surprise... I was reading a lot of complaints from users due to major bugs. There was the Hero, but that had its own set of issues, in addition to having too small a screen to want to use a virtual keyboard on a daily basis.
And so the story goes. Even now, all this time later, it seems like every Android phone on the market has some ghetto custom skin on it from the manufacturer and / or some fairly major hardware problem of one sort or another... or it is an AT&T phone, which I won't even consider. At this time, the Samsung Nexus S is the only fairly stock build of Android you can get. After all the other problems with Samsung's radios in the past, can I really have any faith that the Nexus S will be any better? I'm looking into the EVO Shift, which looks nice from a hardware perspective, but has Sense on it... oh, and of course, I have found a lot of complaints from owners of fairly major bugs.
And this is why I hate Android. It's not that I hate Android itself, but that I can't actually buy what I would consider a "real" Android phone from a company that makes reliable hardware. It's really Android in its current state in the market that I hate. All I want is a phone that is well-built, with a nice keyboard, that has no radio issues of any sort, and that runs a stock build of Android that gets its updates immediately after they are released by Google. Is that so much to ask? Apparently.
Will this utopia ever exist? It is starting to look as if it will not. The few attempts by Google to work closely with hardware manufacturers to make something like what I want haven't turned out to be huge successes. I can't see Google ever making their own hardware, and I guess I wouldn't really recommend that they do, either, since they have bigger fish to fry in the software and platform arenas. So, I am left with a thirst that cannot be quenched, living with compromises and daily annoyances, clinging to the hope that some company will finally decide to stop counting pennies and just do the right thing. Until that day, I am left with my bitterness... hating not the Android that should be, but the Android that is.
Todd Russell
May 24, 2011
I absolutely adore Android. I have been using computers and gadgets since the 80s and have experience with a wide variety of operating systems. Android is, by far, my favorite "small form factor" operating system from the list of those I have used regularly. I even like it better than some of the desktop operating systems I have used. I'm even crazy enough to have tried running it on my netbook.
The problem comes in when that operating system I love gets put into use by the current cabal of hardware manufacturers. If only I could get a pure, unedited version of Android on hardware that is nice and actually works as expected, I would never be able to write such an opening title.
My first Android device was the Samsung Moment. It was running Android 1.6. It was a pure Android, with no custom modifications by Samsung. I adored this phone. The keyboard was great, and Android lived up to almost all my expectations. When Android 2.1 arrived on it, I loved it even more... Well, mostly.
You see, there was this one "small" issue. I call it small because Samsung has never been bothered to treat it as anything more than that. Unfortunately, for those of us who live in areas with meager signal strength, it was rage-inducing. Whenever the phone would switch from a 3G signal to a 1X signal then back to 3G, it would cause the cell radio to lock up. No calls, no data, and no way to fix it but a reboot... Which would take at least 2 minutes. In our area, this would happen almost every time you entered a large aluminum-roofed structure, a.k.a. a store.
The day I stood in Office Depot rebooting my phone 3 times in a row before I could make a call was the day I gave up on this phone that I otherwise loved.
I suffered with this until I could get an EVO, which took a while due to the supply shortage. Within days, I was almost willing to go back to the Moment. You see, HTC, in their infinite wisdom, decided they could make a better interface than Google, which they call "Sense". After having spent almost a year using a stock Android install, I hated every change HTC had made. The music player was downright ugly and looked like something designed by a honky disco king. I despised it. Unfortunately, you can't just download Google's stock music player. I finally found a slightly modified version of the stock player in the Marketplace, which relieved most of this annoyance.
Then there was the browser. Try as I might, I could not figure out how to make the thing stop running in fullscreen mode. I must have gone through the settings 10 times desperately looking for it. I finally accepted defeat and downloaded Dolphin Browser, which was good enough, but sometimes just didn't feel as snappy. While the gestures can be useful, there were enough accidental triggers of features in my daily usage that I could just manage to tolerate using it, but never liked it.
Then there was the modified calendar app. I liked the clean look of the stock one, but this was ugly in the same ways the music player was. Worst of all, though, were the bugs. I experienced constant syncing problems with it. I would add an event to my Google Calendar at work in my browser and set a reminder, only to get angry hours later when I realized I had forgotten something important because the phone never picked up the new item. It would go the other way, as well. Sometimes, I'd add something from my phone and it would never make its way up to Google. Other times, I would add an event from my phone, then, when I realized I had missed the event I would check to see that the event had mysteriously vanished from the calendar on the phone altogether. It was so bad that I stopped using the calendar app and started using the browser version of the Calendar site, with reminders being sent to me from Google by SMS.
Then there were issues with the wifi radio that would cause connections to mysteriously stop working properly even though the phone still indicated that it had a working wifi connection. I would often have to turn wifi off then back on to get it working again. It would also cause weird issues with downloaded audio files (whether through the browser or Google Listen) where the audio files would have missing bits throughout them. It was as if wireless packets had been dropped and the OS did not realize it, and just treated the file as if it had been fully downloaded. I never experienced issues like this on the Moment.
After about 9 months of this pain, I decided to root the EVO and put CyanogenMod7 Beta on it. I loved Android 2.3 and the additional abilities that came with having a rooted phone, but there were so many bugs that I decided to go back to version 6 until the final release of 7, which I am on now. Throughout all this, I have continued to experience the wifi radio problem, though not always, just on certain update versions. So, even Cyanogen can't seem to save me from HTC's radio engineers.
I have looked at the other Android options on Sprint, but they haven't been much better. At first, I had thought about switching to the Samsung Epic, until I read about all the GPS problems with it. Then I thought about the successor to the Moment, but the keyboard on it was terrible, the hardware was actually lower specs than the Moment, and... big surprise... I was reading a lot of complaints from users due to major bugs. There was the Hero, but that had its own set of issues, in addition to having too small a screen to want to use a virtual keyboard on a daily basis.
And so the story goes. Even now, all this time later, it seems like every Android phone on the market has some ghetto custom skin on it from the manufacturer and / or some fairly major hardware problem of one sort or another... or it is an AT&T phone, which I won't even consider. At this time, the Samsung Nexus S is the only fairly stock build of Android you can get. After all the other problems with Samsung's radios in the past, can I really have any faith that the Nexus S will be any better? I'm looking into the EVO Shift, which looks nice from a hardware perspective, but has Sense on it... oh, and of course, I have found a lot of complaints from owners of fairly major bugs.
And this is why I hate Android. It's not that I hate Android itself, but that I can't actually buy what I would consider a "real" Android phone from a company that makes reliable hardware. It's really Android in its current state in the market that I hate. All I want is a phone that is well-built, with a nice keyboard, that has no radio issues of any sort, and that runs a stock build of Android that gets its updates immediately after they are released by Google. Is that so much to ask? Apparently.
Will this utopia ever exist? It is starting to look as if it will not. The few attempts by Google to work closely with hardware manufacturers to make something like what I want haven't turned out to be huge successes. I can't see Google ever making their own hardware, and I guess I wouldn't really recommend that they do, either, since they have bigger fish to fry in the software and platform arenas. So, I am left with a thirst that cannot be quenched, living with compromises and daily annoyances, clinging to the hope that some company will finally decide to stop counting pennies and just do the right thing. Until that day, I am left with my bitterness... hating not the Android that should be, but the Android that is.
Todd Russell
May 24, 2011
January 23, 2011
Love covers a multitude of sins
Recently, my wife's grandmother passed away. To all of us in the family, and many outside it, she was "Gram". Everywhere she went, she made connections with people that they would never forget. To this day, there are still people who met Gram at our wedding that will ask me, "How's Gram?", whenever I bump into them. And as I relay the news to those people the next time I see them, there will be genuine disappointment in their eyes as they say they are sorry to hear it.
Gram lived to be 92. She saw a lot in her lifetime. In all the years I knew her, the one thing that most defined her to me was her interest in people. When I first met her, she had me take her arm, and we went down to the family room to sit by the fire and chat for what must have been nearly 2 hours. What she did to me, and to so many others that she ran into for the first time, was to ask a lot of questions. She always wanted to know who you were, where you were from, where your family is from, what you do, and a whole host of other questions that would spring from those. And then she would tell you about herself, which inevitably led to some funny story about the latest event in her life. When I met her, she was still telling the story of "the shawl". I think that is the story that made her the life of the party for a handful of the attendees at our wedding.
No matter what you talked about, though, there was sure to be laughter. Gram loved to laugh, and she had one of the best laughs I've ever encountered. She would tilt her head back, lean toward you, put her hand on your arm, and dive right into this great big belly laugh that would shake her whole body. It was contagious.
Over the years, we often chuckled at the many times Gram would start asking questions of perfect strangers, leading them into a series of laughter and funny stories that those people would always mention if we ever saw them again. Door men, flight attendants, friends, relatives... it didn't matter who you were, she'd ask you questions and tell you stories and make you part of her life.
Even to the end, this trend held true. A doctor who came to check on her in the last days at hospice got "the grilling" about who she was, whether she had any family, how old she was, etc.... And she wasn't afraid to give her advice either. "You've been doing this for 35 years?! You need to retire and live life a little. It's later than you think." In that brief encounter, even that doctor was so touched by Gram's interest in her as a person that she later referred to it again. And that is why people everywhere never forgot "Gram", or "Anna" as many of them knew her.
A few nights after we arrived in Pennsylvania for the funeral, Mary Beth's family was all gathered in the family room to go through the questionnaire that the parish sends out to gather info about a deceased person so that a priest will know something about them before the funeral. The resident priest, who certainly knew Gram well enough not to need this, was out of town and we would have a visiting priest to do the funeral, so we needed to go through this. Although we were going to go around the room and give answers to the questions for Kerry to record, we ended up just telling stories, reminiscing, and sharing the things that we had learned from Gram. It was a great bonding experience. And throughout this time together, there was a lot of laughter.
Certainly, like every one of us, Gram had her rough spots and faults. Everyone in that room knew most of them, some all too well. However, as we talked and laughed and cried, all those things were forgotten and forgiven... passed into memory like the leaves of autumn. And what remained was the laughter, the love, and the memories of generosity, care, and concern. To be quite honest, it all felt like a foretaste of heaven. I couldn't help but wonder if, somehow, our individual times of judgment would be like this... with Christ, the angels, the saints, and perhaps some of our deceased loved ones gathered around to discuss with us what our lives had become in our time on earth.
I suddenly understood the passage from the Bible, "love covers a multitude of sins", in a whole new light. While there were hurts and faults that each of us remembered, the love and laughter she had shared far outshone those things, for we all have faults and sins, but not all of us have love. That love was what we remembered and shared as we discussed Gram's life.
This had an impact on me and made me reflect on my own life. Everywhere Gram went, she left behind a trail of laughter. What kind of trail am I leaving behind? If I died today, would my loved ones sit around and forget my many faults and failings, telling stories of the times I had made them laugh or feel loved? Or would they sit around and talk about the weather and the sports for lack of anything positive to say?
For, while we were passing over Gram's rough spots in light of the far greater memories of love and laughter, surely there are many who leave behind nothing but a trail of pain, sorrow, and bitter memories. And now I realized how sad it must be at their passing, for if there is no love to cover their multitude of sins, is that the surest sign that their salvation is unlikely? Some theologians say that, in heaven, we will not mourn the lost because it will be to us as if they never were. Is this experience the key to understanding that assertion? We forgot Gram's faults, or at least found the lesser ones cause for further humor and laughter, and we were left with many happy memories. But what of those for whom there are only unhappy memories? As the memory of those faults passes, and there is nothing left afterwards, will it be that they will pass entirely out of memory as their loved ones go on to heaven, so that it was as if they never were?
So I ask myself (and I encourage you, reader, to do likewise): what kind of trail am I leaving behind? Will there be a gathering of friends and family to laugh and share stories of me at my passing, or will they simply forget me and move on with their lives, with no hope of ever seeing me again? What in my life is of lasting worth, that will live beyond the passing of this frail, temporal frame? Love covers a multitude of sins, and there must I begin, keeping the end ever in mind.
That night after having that discussion, I had a vision flash into my mind of Gram seeing her deceased daughter and husband in heaven, letting out her "belly laugh", filled with unspeakable joy, and running to embrace them. I pray that when I pass from this life, there will be enough love in my life to carry into eternity, that there will be someone waiting to embrace me as well, and that there will be those who sit around together and laugh, looking forward to the day when we will be reunited.
Peace,
Todd Russell
January 23, 2011
Gram lived to be 92. She saw a lot in her lifetime. In all the years I knew her, the one thing that most defined her to me was her interest in people. When I first met her, she had me take her arm, and we went down to the family room to sit by the fire and chat for what must have been nearly 2 hours. What she did to me, and to so many others that she ran into for the first time, was to ask a lot of questions. She always wanted to know who you were, where you were from, where your family is from, what you do, and a whole host of other questions that would spring from those. And then she would tell you about herself, which inevitably led to some funny story about the latest event in her life. When I met her, she was still telling the story of "the shawl". I think that is the story that made her the life of the party for a handful of the attendees at our wedding.
No matter what you talked about, though, there was sure to be laughter. Gram loved to laugh, and she had one of the best laughs I've ever encountered. She would tilt her head back, lean toward you, put her hand on your arm, and dive right into this great big belly laugh that would shake her whole body. It was contagious.
Over the years, we often chuckled at the many times Gram would start asking questions of perfect strangers, leading them into a series of laughter and funny stories that those people would always mention if we ever saw them again. Door men, flight attendants, friends, relatives... it didn't matter who you were, she'd ask you questions and tell you stories and make you part of her life.
Even to the end, this trend held true. A doctor who came to check on her in the last days at hospice got "the grilling" about who she was, whether she had any family, how old she was, etc.... And she wasn't afraid to give her advice either. "You've been doing this for 35 years?! You need to retire and live life a little. It's later than you think." In that brief encounter, even that doctor was so touched by Gram's interest in her as a person that she later referred to it again. And that is why people everywhere never forgot "Gram", or "Anna" as many of them knew her.
A few nights after we arrived in Pennsylvania for the funeral, Mary Beth's family was all gathered in the family room to go through the questionnaire that the parish sends out to gather info about a deceased person so that a priest will know something about them before the funeral. The resident priest, who certainly knew Gram well enough not to need this, was out of town and we would have a visiting priest to do the funeral, so we needed to go through this. Although we were going to go around the room and give answers to the questions for Kerry to record, we ended up just telling stories, reminiscing, and sharing the things that we had learned from Gram. It was a great bonding experience. And throughout this time together, there was a lot of laughter.
Certainly, like every one of us, Gram had her rough spots and faults. Everyone in that room knew most of them, some all too well. However, as we talked and laughed and cried, all those things were forgotten and forgiven... passed into memory like the leaves of autumn. And what remained was the laughter, the love, and the memories of generosity, care, and concern. To be quite honest, it all felt like a foretaste of heaven. I couldn't help but wonder if, somehow, our individual times of judgment would be like this... with Christ, the angels, the saints, and perhaps some of our deceased loved ones gathered around to discuss with us what our lives had become in our time on earth.
I suddenly understood the passage from the Bible, "love covers a multitude of sins", in a whole new light. While there were hurts and faults that each of us remembered, the love and laughter she had shared far outshone those things, for we all have faults and sins, but not all of us have love. That love was what we remembered and shared as we discussed Gram's life.
This had an impact on me and made me reflect on my own life. Everywhere Gram went, she left behind a trail of laughter. What kind of trail am I leaving behind? If I died today, would my loved ones sit around and forget my many faults and failings, telling stories of the times I had made them laugh or feel loved? Or would they sit around and talk about the weather and the sports for lack of anything positive to say?
For, while we were passing over Gram's rough spots in light of the far greater memories of love and laughter, surely there are many who leave behind nothing but a trail of pain, sorrow, and bitter memories. And now I realized how sad it must be at their passing, for if there is no love to cover their multitude of sins, is that the surest sign that their salvation is unlikely? Some theologians say that, in heaven, we will not mourn the lost because it will be to us as if they never were. Is this experience the key to understanding that assertion? We forgot Gram's faults, or at least found the lesser ones cause for further humor and laughter, and we were left with many happy memories. But what of those for whom there are only unhappy memories? As the memory of those faults passes, and there is nothing left afterwards, will it be that they will pass entirely out of memory as their loved ones go on to heaven, so that it was as if they never were?
So I ask myself (and I encourage you, reader, to do likewise): what kind of trail am I leaving behind? Will there be a gathering of friends and family to laugh and share stories of me at my passing, or will they simply forget me and move on with their lives, with no hope of ever seeing me again? What in my life is of lasting worth, that will live beyond the passing of this frail, temporal frame? Love covers a multitude of sins, and there must I begin, keeping the end ever in mind.
That night after having that discussion, I had a vision flash into my mind of Gram seeing her deceased daughter and husband in heaven, letting out her "belly laugh", filled with unspeakable joy, and running to embrace them. I pray that when I pass from this life, there will be enough love in my life to carry into eternity, that there will be someone waiting to embrace me as well, and that there will be those who sit around together and laugh, looking forward to the day when we will be reunited.
Peace,
Todd Russell
January 23, 2011
November 3, 2010
The Morning After, 2010
This November 3, 2010, the day after the Congressional elections, I have been pondering what took place, the reactions of so many, and what it all means in the big picture. I did my duty as an American, and played my part in the Grand Charade, then went home and didn't think much more about it until right before going to bed. This morning, I checked in on several news sources to see the results that we once again have a bipartisan Congress. I skimmed through all the emails I got from conservative sources talking about how great this turn of the tides will be... etc... etc... yada... yada. The more I thought about it, the more I just couldn't help but feel strongly ambivalent [oxymoron intended].
As I pondered, I thought through some logical reasons for my general indifference. Despite how the GOP managed to co-opt the Tea Party movement right out from under the independents, I have a hard time believing this was anything more than business-as-usual, using any tactic necessary to try and stay relevant. Change? Yes, some of the names changed, but I am not naive enough to expect much to come of it. My inbox was loaded with messages from Pro Life groups talking hopefully about the possibility of the abortion scene changing. Apparently, they've forgotten that nothing changed when we had Republicans in control of the presidency and both parts of Congress, or else I am not sure why they would expect much to happen with Republicans in control of only one of the three pieces of the Triforce of Power.
The reality is, government and law can not solve the problems we face as a people. Government and law are only necessary in the first place because men choose to live in the squalor of their fallen natures rather than rise above to follow the Golden Rule. Every time a government is formed, and every time a law is passed, it is an inherent admission that men are failing to love their neighbors and are choosing their own selfish desires over the just good. Government and law are a desperate attempt to put the reigns on man's fallen nature. These means almost never effect a change in man's behavior. Instead, they merely give us a means to punish and put a temporary stop to the selfish acts of a single individual or group of people. The bigger government gets, and the more laws we pass, the more we inherently admit that human sinfulness is getting worse, not better, and that we are powerless to do anything about it.
Why, then, do men of good will still make the foolish assumption that we can make the world a better place by government or law? Government and law belong to the domain of human sin, and therefore cannot effect true good. Law, despite our foolish hopes to the contrary, can not bring about "the greater good of humanity", it can only minimize "the greater evil". Law really is the wrong tool for the job of changing men's hearts, just as a glass vase is the wrong tool for hammering nails into boards.
The only thing that can truly effect good in this world is the transformation of men's hearts. When people truly desire goodness and justice and are willing to set aside their own selfish desires for the sake of others, then, and only then, can we begin to hope for "the greater good of man". Law has never, and will never, bring about this change in men's hearts. Only the love of God can bring this change to a human heart.
And when a man has been instilled with this love and chooses to seek the good and the just in all his actions, he will not need government and law to tell him what to do... he will know inherently from the law that is written in his heart. All the more reason that men of good will should see the vanity in placing any hope at all in the governments and laws of man. If these things are only needed where sin abounds, why should we hope for them to solve our problems? If we spent more of our time working for the conversion of men's hearts, and less time chasing the false hopes of a government to save us all, perhaps real change could begin to take root.
I think of Moses in the wilderness. At first, God only gave ten simple laws that were already written in the heart of every man who was honest enough to recognize them. If men had lived in love, these simple laws would have sufficed in showing each how to do unto others as they would have others do unto them. Rather, since sin abounded, a more elaborate Mosaic law was proscribed in an effort to reign in the wandering hearts that were following the selfish desires of the flesh.
I think of St. Augustine's command to "Love and do what you will". Wow, how bold a statement. To those whose hearts are weak, this sounds frightful and dangerous. It is so obviously true, though, to anyone who governs their actions with an honest effort to love beyond oneself. When you truly love someone, you don't need laws or governments to tell you how to treat that person.
So, I will continue to do my part to help put limits on the general sin of society, but I will never again be foolish enough to put my hopes in the vain structures and laws of man. If you must, then be my guest, but while you are hoping for the tools of man's sin to bring about the promised land, I will be hoping for the day when there is only one law needed to govern man, that which is written in every heart.
Peace,
Todd Russell
November 3, 2010
As I pondered, I thought through some logical reasons for my general indifference. Despite how the GOP managed to co-opt the Tea Party movement right out from under the independents, I have a hard time believing this was anything more than business-as-usual, using any tactic necessary to try and stay relevant. Change? Yes, some of the names changed, but I am not naive enough to expect much to come of it. My inbox was loaded with messages from Pro Life groups talking hopefully about the possibility of the abortion scene changing. Apparently, they've forgotten that nothing changed when we had Republicans in control of the presidency and both parts of Congress, or else I am not sure why they would expect much to happen with Republicans in control of only one of the three pieces of the Triforce of Power.
The reality is, government and law can not solve the problems we face as a people. Government and law are only necessary in the first place because men choose to live in the squalor of their fallen natures rather than rise above to follow the Golden Rule. Every time a government is formed, and every time a law is passed, it is an inherent admission that men are failing to love their neighbors and are choosing their own selfish desires over the just good. Government and law are a desperate attempt to put the reigns on man's fallen nature. These means almost never effect a change in man's behavior. Instead, they merely give us a means to punish and put a temporary stop to the selfish acts of a single individual or group of people. The bigger government gets, and the more laws we pass, the more we inherently admit that human sinfulness is getting worse, not better, and that we are powerless to do anything about it.
Why, then, do men of good will still make the foolish assumption that we can make the world a better place by government or law? Government and law belong to the domain of human sin, and therefore cannot effect true good. Law, despite our foolish hopes to the contrary, can not bring about "the greater good of humanity", it can only minimize "the greater evil". Law really is the wrong tool for the job of changing men's hearts, just as a glass vase is the wrong tool for hammering nails into boards.
The only thing that can truly effect good in this world is the transformation of men's hearts. When people truly desire goodness and justice and are willing to set aside their own selfish desires for the sake of others, then, and only then, can we begin to hope for "the greater good of man". Law has never, and will never, bring about this change in men's hearts. Only the love of God can bring this change to a human heart.
And when a man has been instilled with this love and chooses to seek the good and the just in all his actions, he will not need government and law to tell him what to do... he will know inherently from the law that is written in his heart. All the more reason that men of good will should see the vanity in placing any hope at all in the governments and laws of man. If these things are only needed where sin abounds, why should we hope for them to solve our problems? If we spent more of our time working for the conversion of men's hearts, and less time chasing the false hopes of a government to save us all, perhaps real change could begin to take root.
I think of Moses in the wilderness. At first, God only gave ten simple laws that were already written in the heart of every man who was honest enough to recognize them. If men had lived in love, these simple laws would have sufficed in showing each how to do unto others as they would have others do unto them. Rather, since sin abounded, a more elaborate Mosaic law was proscribed in an effort to reign in the wandering hearts that were following the selfish desires of the flesh.
I think of St. Augustine's command to "Love and do what you will". Wow, how bold a statement. To those whose hearts are weak, this sounds frightful and dangerous. It is so obviously true, though, to anyone who governs their actions with an honest effort to love beyond oneself. When you truly love someone, you don't need laws or governments to tell you how to treat that person.
So, I will continue to do my part to help put limits on the general sin of society, but I will never again be foolish enough to put my hopes in the vain structures and laws of man. If you must, then be my guest, but while you are hoping for the tools of man's sin to bring about the promised land, I will be hoping for the day when there is only one law needed to govern man, that which is written in every heart.
Peace,
Todd Russell
November 3, 2010
October 4, 2010
Free to be weird
Recently, I overheard a friend tell a joint friend of ours that he and I are the weirdest people she knows. This was all in jest, of course, but I wanted to go interrupt their conversation and thank her for the best compliment I have received in quite some time. I call this a compliment because I have always taken great pains to be as weird as possible, as often as possible. And now, some of you who know me well may say that I jest, for you have known me to be normal enough over the years.
The context of the statement, and the sphere in which I exercise the trait, both refer to likes and dislikes, mannerisms of speech, and style of humor. This friend called me weird for being a fan of something that only a true geek can possibly appreciate. She laughed as she said it because she recognizes in herself a healthy dose of that same "weirdness". It takes one to know one, they say.
I must admit that my interests include things way outside the realm that our current American culture considers "normal". For instance, how many people do you know that would sit in a coffee shop and type a blog post like this one in a computer programmer's text editor while listening to Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells II Live"? Not many, I'll wager. Then there are other oddities like wearing my SAS half-dress / half-casual black shoes with white socks, cargo shorts, and an Empire Strikes Back t-shirt... and, yes, in public. I'm sure people must look at me at such times and think I am quite the dork. The great thing is that I really don't care because my feet are comfortable and that is more important to me than someone's comparison of me to the "norm".
Growing up as a teen, I tried the whole "fit in with the cool kids" game. Like most, I found it to be quite painful. What was cool one day was lame the next. I could never seem to keep up. By high school, I had given up on that and decided to figure out who I am, not who others expect me to be. I found it quite freeing.
The problem with being "normal" is that society's definition of that changes routinely. Sometimes in less than a week's passing. I'm sure the Facebook era must speed that process up. Thankfully, I wouldn't know because I haven't participated in popular culture in more years than I care to count.
I do observe people, though, who attempt to be normal and fit in with society's expectations. I also remember the stress of it all. Since the definition of normal changes so often, a normal person must constantly redefine themselves. They must change their wardrobe, add to their music collection, see movies they might otherwise care less about, arrange their schedule around the weekly new episodes of the "in" tv shows, and keep tabs on what their friends are liking and disliking in an effort to stay aligned with current styles.
This can wreak havoc on the psyche. Normal people can never truly "Know Thyself", for they are ever-changing, a ghost of the culture around them. I see the emptiness in their eyes, and I can feel their pain, for I remember it well despite the years that have passed. How can our culture be anything but shallow when its members are slaves to the process and can never dig deeply enough inside to discover more meaningful ideals?
Then there are the counter-cultural, who, in their attempts to reject the prevailing culture, become the flip side of that same coin. They spend too much of their time becoming familiar with what is normal so they can mock it and become the opposite. They put themselves in the same slavery to change as the people they are trying to contradict. In so doing, they often end up even more emotionally scarred, but in ways they may never realize until they have wasted a great deal of their life.
The weird ones, on the other hand, can truly know peace because we have stepped outside that storm and have spent enough time in the silence to know ourselves and appreciate ourselves for who we are. We seem weird to others because our interests are not confined to categories, but span all areas of human creativity and interaction. We seem to be weird because we wear things that are out of style, but we are ignorant to the styles and we are just content wearing clothes we find comfortable and interesting.
There is great freedom in choosing a haircut because it is comfortable and easy to manage, in listening to music which few of our peers are familiar with because it moves us, in watching a movie for the fifteenth time that makes us laugh while missing out on the movie everyone else is talking about at work, in choosing a car that fits our practical needs despite what "everyone else" is driving, etc....
Yes, being weird is highly underrated. If you are feeling unsure as to who you are, insecure, insignificant, lonely in a crowd, confused, or tired of life, I recommend you give it a try. Jump out of the maelstrom and analyze who you are. Go see a movie that you think sounds interesting regardless of whether the people around you think it sounds stupid. Spend some time sampling music on a site like last.fm, pandora.com, or grooveshark.com, and ignore the "Most Popular" lists. Buy some clothes or shoes that you find comfortable and appealing to you, and ignore what others around you are wearing.
In short, find yourself... and stay there. You will no longer have to redefine who you are every other month to keep up with the crowd. You can experience the joy of being just the person God made you to be, as you finally have the time to discover who that is. And when someone laughs at you for wearing "that dorky t-shirt with old Nintendo Zelda graphics on it", you may just find yourself laughing with them, but with the laughter that comes from the joy of being free.
P.S. As I finish this, I realize how fortuitous that, despite having planned to write it for about a month, I am just now getting to it on the feast of St. Francis of Assisi, who embodied the ideal of rejecting what society considers normal and becoming who God has made us to be, no matter how foolish that might appear to those around us. St. Francis, pray for all of us that we may experience the freedom of this foolishness.
Todd
October 4, 2010
The context of the statement, and the sphere in which I exercise the trait, both refer to likes and dislikes, mannerisms of speech, and style of humor. This friend called me weird for being a fan of something that only a true geek can possibly appreciate. She laughed as she said it because she recognizes in herself a healthy dose of that same "weirdness". It takes one to know one, they say.
I must admit that my interests include things way outside the realm that our current American culture considers "normal". For instance, how many people do you know that would sit in a coffee shop and type a blog post like this one in a computer programmer's text editor while listening to Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells II Live"? Not many, I'll wager. Then there are other oddities like wearing my SAS half-dress / half-casual black shoes with white socks, cargo shorts, and an Empire Strikes Back t-shirt... and, yes, in public. I'm sure people must look at me at such times and think I am quite the dork. The great thing is that I really don't care because my feet are comfortable and that is more important to me than someone's comparison of me to the "norm".
Growing up as a teen, I tried the whole "fit in with the cool kids" game. Like most, I found it to be quite painful. What was cool one day was lame the next. I could never seem to keep up. By high school, I had given up on that and decided to figure out who I am, not who others expect me to be. I found it quite freeing.
The problem with being "normal" is that society's definition of that changes routinely. Sometimes in less than a week's passing. I'm sure the Facebook era must speed that process up. Thankfully, I wouldn't know because I haven't participated in popular culture in more years than I care to count.
I do observe people, though, who attempt to be normal and fit in with society's expectations. I also remember the stress of it all. Since the definition of normal changes so often, a normal person must constantly redefine themselves. They must change their wardrobe, add to their music collection, see movies they might otherwise care less about, arrange their schedule around the weekly new episodes of the "in" tv shows, and keep tabs on what their friends are liking and disliking in an effort to stay aligned with current styles.
This can wreak havoc on the psyche. Normal people can never truly "Know Thyself", for they are ever-changing, a ghost of the culture around them. I see the emptiness in their eyes, and I can feel their pain, for I remember it well despite the years that have passed. How can our culture be anything but shallow when its members are slaves to the process and can never dig deeply enough inside to discover more meaningful ideals?
Then there are the counter-cultural, who, in their attempts to reject the prevailing culture, become the flip side of that same coin. They spend too much of their time becoming familiar with what is normal so they can mock it and become the opposite. They put themselves in the same slavery to change as the people they are trying to contradict. In so doing, they often end up even more emotionally scarred, but in ways they may never realize until they have wasted a great deal of their life.
The weird ones, on the other hand, can truly know peace because we have stepped outside that storm and have spent enough time in the silence to know ourselves and appreciate ourselves for who we are. We seem weird to others because our interests are not confined to categories, but span all areas of human creativity and interaction. We seem to be weird because we wear things that are out of style, but we are ignorant to the styles and we are just content wearing clothes we find comfortable and interesting.
There is great freedom in choosing a haircut because it is comfortable and easy to manage, in listening to music which few of our peers are familiar with because it moves us, in watching a movie for the fifteenth time that makes us laugh while missing out on the movie everyone else is talking about at work, in choosing a car that fits our practical needs despite what "everyone else" is driving, etc....
Yes, being weird is highly underrated. If you are feeling unsure as to who you are, insecure, insignificant, lonely in a crowd, confused, or tired of life, I recommend you give it a try. Jump out of the maelstrom and analyze who you are. Go see a movie that you think sounds interesting regardless of whether the people around you think it sounds stupid. Spend some time sampling music on a site like last.fm, pandora.com, or grooveshark.com, and ignore the "Most Popular" lists. Buy some clothes or shoes that you find comfortable and appealing to you, and ignore what others around you are wearing.
In short, find yourself... and stay there. You will no longer have to redefine who you are every other month to keep up with the crowd. You can experience the joy of being just the person God made you to be, as you finally have the time to discover who that is. And when someone laughs at you for wearing "that dorky t-shirt with old Nintendo Zelda graphics on it", you may just find yourself laughing with them, but with the laughter that comes from the joy of being free.
P.S. As I finish this, I realize how fortuitous that, despite having planned to write it for about a month, I am just now getting to it on the feast of St. Francis of Assisi, who embodied the ideal of rejecting what society considers normal and becoming who God has made us to be, no matter how foolish that might appear to those around us. St. Francis, pray for all of us that we may experience the freedom of this foolishness.
Todd
October 4, 2010
August 31, 2010
Why I still hate Windows
Those who have discussed computers with me over the years know all too well my vehemence towards Microsoft. Those who were in my circle of Mac-using friends have been, perhaps, a little dismayed by the fact that my vehemence had lessened a great deal in the last year. Several factors contributed to this:
I must admit, given my many frustrations with the lemon MacBook Pro I had and the annoyances that have crept into Mac OS X, I was becoming predisposed to going easy on Windows 7. After having installed it on a number of machines at work and dealt with it on a regular basis while helping others out, I have actually come to like Windows 7 a good deal.
In terms of general annoyances, Microsoft has done a splendid job of cleaning up the user interface and organizing things in a way that is more rational than it has been since the beginning of Windows. They have added handy features that actually make using Windows sometimes pleasant. I can appreciate the window management they have implemented, and I think I even like it better than Apple's handling of multiple windows on OS X, though not quite as much as the straight-forward approach offered by Gnome on Ubuntu Linux. The window previews while hovering over the taskbar and the window snapping were much needed additions to Windows.
Getting to configuration options in Windows 7 has been more natural to me, now that I have adjusted to the changes. Image previews are better than ever before, and I like the Windows approach better than the gimmicky Cover Flow that Apple employs. Networking is only mildly improved over the past, but the addition of preset firewall configurations that you choose from when connecting to a new network makes me feel safer about showing a novice how to connect their laptop to wireless networks.
Microsoft's having finally owned up to their responsibility for the virus problem in giving away Security Essentials for free goes a long way towards reducing the many years of ire I have held towards the company. I find it to be the least intrusive virus software I have used and it tends to do a better job of staying up-to-date than a lot of the other options. In a world full of novices, this is essential (no pun intended).
With all these in mind, I can actually say that I like Windows 7 (in some ways, better than even Mac OS X). File management is great, window management is finally some of the best around (at least for the way I think), and security has improved to the point of actually being viable.
So, by now you must be asking, "Wait, I thought you said you hate Windows?" Well, yes, despite the fact the I may like Windows 7, I do still hate the Windows ecosystem. The distinction is likely to be lost on those of you who do not work in technology, so I'll explain.
As I said, Microsoft has improved security to the point that it is mostly viable... well as long as you ignore the evidence of the August Patch Tuesday... and the DLL loading order exploit... and the recent icon preview vulnerability... ohhh, right. Hmmmm. So, they still have a lot of work to do. How much we will never know since the exploiters (I refuse to use the word hackers because I am old school enough to remember what it originally meant) seem to keep finding new vulnerabilities every time Microsoft patches the known ones. Admittedly, Windows security is better than it has ever been. If you install the 64 bit version, run as a Standard user for daily use, and use Microsoft Security Essentials, you have a reasonably secure machine. At least until the next vulnerability is found. If you are careful about where you visit on the internet, though, you might make it through unscathed with such a system. This is the first time I feel confident in saying that about Windows, with the caveat that you must run your updates regularly.
Left at that, I could almost like the Windows ecosystem. The chink in this armor, though, is one that Microsoft has no control over: 3rd party software. Sure, run the system I described above and you are fairly safe. Oh wait, you want to use Adobe Flash? Bad news. And Adobe Reader? Sigh. An old version of Corel Draw? Groan. HP scanning software? I feel the tears welling. Some freeware game that you downloaded from the internet? Okay, I quit.
Seriously, though, if it weren't for all the 3rd party applications, Windows could be pretty secure. At work, there is a financial package that requires us to disable User Account Control or else it will not function. Why? Because it was written for DOS and has been dragged along into the Windows world along the way, always several generations behind whatever Windows is current. So, great, we upgraded all the machine in the business office to get the better security that Windows 7 brings, and we just threw most of that out the window to get the financial software to function.
Despite Microsoft's best efforts, it will never be able to secure its ecosystem because so many companies are still writing their software to support old versions of Windows, and are dragging a lot of legacy baggage along with them. The same issue is also responsible for many of the stability issues of the platform. Poorly written drivers, poorly written services that hook into the kernel, tools that replace built-in Windows functionality with their own decrepit attempts, etc..., all combine to make Windows the Sanford and Son junk collection pickup truck that it is.
Even though I am becoming disillusioned with OS X to some degree, and Linux never seems to properly support the Apple hardware that I am stuck with, I just can't bring myself to go to Windows as my daily OS. I honestly wouldn't mind giving it a try, but there is no escaping the frustration of dealing with incompatibilities, bugs, crashes, and security issues. While I may know enough to be able to reduce my risk of getting a virus to the low, single-digit percentile, the fear of absent-mindedly clicking a bad link early one morning while I am half asleep and ending up at a site that is hosting some new virus that has not yet been added to the virus definitions keeps me far away. No amount of reward is worth that risk for me. I don't have the patience.
I admit that I like Windows 7, but I can't help but continuing to hate Windows in general. Having to put up with the stuff I do every day in my day job keeps me reminded that it takes more than good intentions, and even strong efforts, to clean up an entire ecosystem. Unfortunately for Microsoft, there doesn't seem to be a lot they can do to remedy the situation themselves. Perhaps one day I will be able to write another post entitled "I can finally love Windows", but don't hold your breath waiting for it.
Todd Russell
August 31, 2010
- My love for XBox Live
- Windows 7
- Accepting my fate of never being able to move people away from Windows at work
- Microsoft Security Essentials
- The Kin phone debacle (it's no longer fun to make fun of a company that is beginning to look less evil and more mentally handicapped)
- Declining software quality assurance in Mac OS X and other Apple software
I must admit, given my many frustrations with the lemon MacBook Pro I had and the annoyances that have crept into Mac OS X, I was becoming predisposed to going easy on Windows 7. After having installed it on a number of machines at work and dealt with it on a regular basis while helping others out, I have actually come to like Windows 7 a good deal.
In terms of general annoyances, Microsoft has done a splendid job of cleaning up the user interface and organizing things in a way that is more rational than it has been since the beginning of Windows. They have added handy features that actually make using Windows sometimes pleasant. I can appreciate the window management they have implemented, and I think I even like it better than Apple's handling of multiple windows on OS X, though not quite as much as the straight-forward approach offered by Gnome on Ubuntu Linux. The window previews while hovering over the taskbar and the window snapping were much needed additions to Windows.
Getting to configuration options in Windows 7 has been more natural to me, now that I have adjusted to the changes. Image previews are better than ever before, and I like the Windows approach better than the gimmicky Cover Flow that Apple employs. Networking is only mildly improved over the past, but the addition of preset firewall configurations that you choose from when connecting to a new network makes me feel safer about showing a novice how to connect their laptop to wireless networks.
Microsoft's having finally owned up to their responsibility for the virus problem in giving away Security Essentials for free goes a long way towards reducing the many years of ire I have held towards the company. I find it to be the least intrusive virus software I have used and it tends to do a better job of staying up-to-date than a lot of the other options. In a world full of novices, this is essential (no pun intended).
With all these in mind, I can actually say that I like Windows 7 (in some ways, better than even Mac OS X). File management is great, window management is finally some of the best around (at least for the way I think), and security has improved to the point of actually being viable.
So, by now you must be asking, "Wait, I thought you said you hate Windows?" Well, yes, despite the fact the I may like Windows 7, I do still hate the Windows ecosystem. The distinction is likely to be lost on those of you who do not work in technology, so I'll explain.
As I said, Microsoft has improved security to the point that it is mostly viable... well as long as you ignore the evidence of the August Patch Tuesday... and the DLL loading order exploit... and the recent icon preview vulnerability... ohhh, right. Hmmmm. So, they still have a lot of work to do. How much we will never know since the exploiters (I refuse to use the word hackers because I am old school enough to remember what it originally meant) seem to keep finding new vulnerabilities every time Microsoft patches the known ones. Admittedly, Windows security is better than it has ever been. If you install the 64 bit version, run as a Standard user for daily use, and use Microsoft Security Essentials, you have a reasonably secure machine. At least until the next vulnerability is found. If you are careful about where you visit on the internet, though, you might make it through unscathed with such a system. This is the first time I feel confident in saying that about Windows, with the caveat that you must run your updates regularly.
Left at that, I could almost like the Windows ecosystem. The chink in this armor, though, is one that Microsoft has no control over: 3rd party software. Sure, run the system I described above and you are fairly safe. Oh wait, you want to use Adobe Flash? Bad news. And Adobe Reader? Sigh. An old version of Corel Draw? Groan. HP scanning software? I feel the tears welling. Some freeware game that you downloaded from the internet? Okay, I quit.
Seriously, though, if it weren't for all the 3rd party applications, Windows could be pretty secure. At work, there is a financial package that requires us to disable User Account Control or else it will not function. Why? Because it was written for DOS and has been dragged along into the Windows world along the way, always several generations behind whatever Windows is current. So, great, we upgraded all the machine in the business office to get the better security that Windows 7 brings, and we just threw most of that out the window to get the financial software to function.
Despite Microsoft's best efforts, it will never be able to secure its ecosystem because so many companies are still writing their software to support old versions of Windows, and are dragging a lot of legacy baggage along with them. The same issue is also responsible for many of the stability issues of the platform. Poorly written drivers, poorly written services that hook into the kernel, tools that replace built-in Windows functionality with their own decrepit attempts, etc..., all combine to make Windows the Sanford and Son junk collection pickup truck that it is.
Even though I am becoming disillusioned with OS X to some degree, and Linux never seems to properly support the Apple hardware that I am stuck with, I just can't bring myself to go to Windows as my daily OS. I honestly wouldn't mind giving it a try, but there is no escaping the frustration of dealing with incompatibilities, bugs, crashes, and security issues. While I may know enough to be able to reduce my risk of getting a virus to the low, single-digit percentile, the fear of absent-mindedly clicking a bad link early one morning while I am half asleep and ending up at a site that is hosting some new virus that has not yet been added to the virus definitions keeps me far away. No amount of reward is worth that risk for me. I don't have the patience.
I admit that I like Windows 7, but I can't help but continuing to hate Windows in general. Having to put up with the stuff I do every day in my day job keeps me reminded that it takes more than good intentions, and even strong efforts, to clean up an entire ecosystem. Unfortunately for Microsoft, there doesn't seem to be a lot they can do to remedy the situation themselves. Perhaps one day I will be able to write another post entitled "I can finally love Windows", but don't hold your breath waiting for it.
Todd Russell
August 31, 2010
August 18, 2010
Dreams Do Come True
Flashback... 1979... I'm standing in Kmart, staring in awe at the 12" Boba Fett figure on the shelf which is gleaming like the Holy Grail of toys. I'm sure I must have been drooling. This was the most wicked toy I had ever seen in my life, and I could only think of one thing... Christmas. I was already a Boba Fett fan, having been one of the lucky few kids to get an original Boba Fett figure in the mail after sending in the requisite number of Proofs of Purchase and money. I still remember the picture of the Boba Fett figure on the packages of the figures I owned, even though I was only 5 at the time. He could shoot a missile out of his back!!! Admittedly, getting the real figure in the mail, while very exciting, was a bit of a letdown. He looked different than the original picture and his missile wouldn't shoot, no matter how many ways I jammed a butter knife into his back. It took my mom a while to finally convince me that they must have changed the design and that this figure was not going to be doing any shooting. Once I finally let go of that, I quickly realized that this was the coolest figure in my collection. I only had him for a short time because I decided to slide him up a guy-wire at recess during kindergarten to simulate flying, and he flew off at some random angle when he hit the knuckle of the guy-wire anchor, landing on top of the breezeway cover. My poor kindergarten teacher tried desperately to help me find it for what must have been at least a half hour (I'll always love you Mrs. Crowell!). I'm not sure how many tears I cried that night, but I was sure that I would get a replacement for Christmas.
So there I was, standing in Kmart, staring at the 12" version of Boba Fett, who looked so much cooler than the small figure I had lost. I thought for sure that this was to be my reward to replace the lost object of affection. As I stood there, a family came along and grabbed one of them and moved on. There were now only 3 left. I realized that the remaining 3 might disappear while I went looking for mom, so I resolved not to leave that spot until she came looking for me. And if it came down to only 1 left, I would simply grab it and carry it with me throughout the store. In hindsight, I don't know why I didn't do that in the first place, because it might have been easier to convince her to buy it if she thought about the nuisance of having to go back and find the place on the shelf to replace it. So I waited what felt like an eternity.
When mom arrived, somewhat irritated that I hadn't come to find her first, I began my excited pleas and begging. Her immediate "no" almost left me crushed, but I reminded her of my lost Boba Fett and that Christmas was coming and this was the only thing I wanted for Christmas. She wasn't convinced. "We're not buying that now. If you still want it at Christmas, maybe we'll buy it then." "But mom, they might all be gone by then! There are only 3 left! What if you can't find one later?" None of my begging, whining, or bargaining worked, so I sulked away, turning to give what would be my last look ever at an original 12" Boba Fett figure. I hoped beyond hope that there would be more near Christmas time, but Christmas came and went, and Boba Fett never made it back to the shelves of any store I entered again after that.
Flash forward... 2010... I'm standing in Target looking at the new line of Star Wars figures that had just been released with the reproduced "original" Empire Strikes Back backing cards, and having flashbacks to many years ago. As I'm wandering through nostalgic memories, I hear my oldest daughter say, "Daddy, look at this cool Boba Fett helmet". My heart leapt into my throat, but I didn't want my kids to see me acting like an excited 5 year old, so I replied, "I'll see in just a second after I finish looking through these figures", in as nonchalant a voice as I could fake. After scanning the rest of the figures, I looked down and saw a full-size Boba Fett helmet much like the recent Clone Trooper helmets that had been released over the last few years. I'm sure my jaw must have hung open, because my kids laughed when they saw my reaction. I picked it up and looked at it and immediately had a flashback to 1979, looking at the Boba Fett toy in Kmart. Now this was truly the coolest toy I had ever seen, even better than the figure I never had. "Wow, this is really cool, maybe I should get it", I said. I looked at the price... $34.99. Not too bad for an item this cool, but did I really need it? Should I spend that money? I looked at the shelf and noticed that there were only 3 left. Another flashback... "But mom, they might all be gone by then! There are only 3 left!"
I decided right then that it wasn't going to happen to me again, so I tucked the package under my arm and said, "Okay kids, let's go." At the checkout counter, the lady asked if my son had his eye on this and I said, "No, this one is for daddy. I've wanted one of these since I was 5 years old." She laughed and smiled. On the way to the van, I must admit that I felt like a 5 year old on Christmas and couldn't wait to get home to open it and check it out. Of course, my wife just laughed and kind of rolled her eyes when she saw the addition to "Daddy's collection", but once I told her the story, she got into the excitement of opening the prize as well. The kids were huddled around, waiting impatiently to see it in action, and I was trying my best to hide the childlike surge of emotion I felt as I restrained myself from just ripping the packaging to shreds. Once it was out and put together, I immediately put it on and modeled it for my wife and kids. We all had some good laughs and my son ran off to get his Clone Trooper helmet, thrilled to join his daddy in the fun. So, we chased the girls around the house for a few minutes, then I placed my new toy in a prominent place in my office so I could see it clearly every time I entered.
After having it for over a week, I still haven't tired of staring at it every time I pass it, and I don't regret the purchase for even a moment. It's my little reminder that dreams can come true, even if they sometimes take 31 years to do so. It also reminds me how good it is to never entirely lose the simple excitement of childhood and the laughter and joy that can bring. I hope that when I am old and retired, I can still find moments of childhood laughter in the midst of the seriousness of daily life.
And now, for some pictures so that you can revel with me in all the glory of this story:
Todd Russell
August 18, 2010
So there I was, standing in Kmart, staring at the 12" version of Boba Fett, who looked so much cooler than the small figure I had lost. I thought for sure that this was to be my reward to replace the lost object of affection. As I stood there, a family came along and grabbed one of them and moved on. There were now only 3 left. I realized that the remaining 3 might disappear while I went looking for mom, so I resolved not to leave that spot until she came looking for me. And if it came down to only 1 left, I would simply grab it and carry it with me throughout the store. In hindsight, I don't know why I didn't do that in the first place, because it might have been easier to convince her to buy it if she thought about the nuisance of having to go back and find the place on the shelf to replace it. So I waited what felt like an eternity.
When mom arrived, somewhat irritated that I hadn't come to find her first, I began my excited pleas and begging. Her immediate "no" almost left me crushed, but I reminded her of my lost Boba Fett and that Christmas was coming and this was the only thing I wanted for Christmas. She wasn't convinced. "We're not buying that now. If you still want it at Christmas, maybe we'll buy it then." "But mom, they might all be gone by then! There are only 3 left! What if you can't find one later?" None of my begging, whining, or bargaining worked, so I sulked away, turning to give what would be my last look ever at an original 12" Boba Fett figure. I hoped beyond hope that there would be more near Christmas time, but Christmas came and went, and Boba Fett never made it back to the shelves of any store I entered again after that.
Flash forward... 2010... I'm standing in Target looking at the new line of Star Wars figures that had just been released with the reproduced "original" Empire Strikes Back backing cards, and having flashbacks to many years ago. As I'm wandering through nostalgic memories, I hear my oldest daughter say, "Daddy, look at this cool Boba Fett helmet". My heart leapt into my throat, but I didn't want my kids to see me acting like an excited 5 year old, so I replied, "I'll see in just a second after I finish looking through these figures", in as nonchalant a voice as I could fake. After scanning the rest of the figures, I looked down and saw a full-size Boba Fett helmet much like the recent Clone Trooper helmets that had been released over the last few years. I'm sure my jaw must have hung open, because my kids laughed when they saw my reaction. I picked it up and looked at it and immediately had a flashback to 1979, looking at the Boba Fett toy in Kmart. Now this was truly the coolest toy I had ever seen, even better than the figure I never had. "Wow, this is really cool, maybe I should get it", I said. I looked at the price... $34.99. Not too bad for an item this cool, but did I really need it? Should I spend that money? I looked at the shelf and noticed that there were only 3 left. Another flashback... "But mom, they might all be gone by then! There are only 3 left!"
I decided right then that it wasn't going to happen to me again, so I tucked the package under my arm and said, "Okay kids, let's go." At the checkout counter, the lady asked if my son had his eye on this and I said, "No, this one is for daddy. I've wanted one of these since I was 5 years old." She laughed and smiled. On the way to the van, I must admit that I felt like a 5 year old on Christmas and couldn't wait to get home to open it and check it out. Of course, my wife just laughed and kind of rolled her eyes when she saw the addition to "Daddy's collection", but once I told her the story, she got into the excitement of opening the prize as well. The kids were huddled around, waiting impatiently to see it in action, and I was trying my best to hide the childlike surge of emotion I felt as I restrained myself from just ripping the packaging to shreds. Once it was out and put together, I immediately put it on and modeled it for my wife and kids. We all had some good laughs and my son ran off to get his Clone Trooper helmet, thrilled to join his daddy in the fun. So, we chased the girls around the house for a few minutes, then I placed my new toy in a prominent place in my office so I could see it clearly every time I entered.
After having it for over a week, I still haven't tired of staring at it every time I pass it, and I don't regret the purchase for even a moment. It's my little reminder that dreams can come true, even if they sometimes take 31 years to do so. It also reminds me how good it is to never entirely lose the simple excitement of childhood and the laughter and joy that can bring. I hope that when I am old and retired, I can still find moments of childhood laughter in the midst of the seriousness of daily life.
And now, for some pictures so that you can revel with me in all the glory of this story:
He was almost mine!
My prize, just before it was opened.
I am Boba Fett!
Todd Russell
August 18, 2010
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